Yesterday, I walked alongside my friend Thomas for half an hour, to the clearing in Prospect Park where I would officiate his wedding. It was blistering hot. Sweat poured over my forehead and onto my black suit like a waterfall.
At the moment we arrived at the clearing, clouds rolled in, opened up, and dumped bucketloads of rain onto us as we waited for his fiance Allison to lead the wedding participants to us. It was ironic, because the rain made the wedding both far more interesting and far more comfortable.
Eventually Allison arrived, leading wedding guests through the park to where Thomas and I stood waiting. The three of us stood before them, barefoot feet against the wet earth.
I gave a wedding speech, which I think is helpful to share here – both as a general example of a secular wedding sermon, as well as a demonstration of why weddings are important in the first place.
We have gathered here today, weathering trials of fire and water, to celebrate the wedding of Thomas Eliot and Allison Rae.
And whenever people gather to celebrate a wedding, it begs a certain question:
Why?
Seriously, why are we doing this? It’s a pretty legitimate question.
Thomas and Allison love each other. They’ve been together, they’ve lived together, for years. And within three months of meeting each other, they knew they wanted to be together forever.
They’ve traveled to the bottom of the sea and explored lost temples on jungle mountaintops. They’ve endured external tragedies and interpersonal strife. They took those issues head on, they have explored their needs and values, learned from each other, grown together.
Allison and Thomas are a team. They’re adventuring partners that have already proven they can take on the world together. This wedding isn’t changing that.
So, why are we doing this? Why do humans all over the world, across all cultures, throughout history, think weddings are important?
A ritual is an action we take, not because of an obvious practical benefit, but because of its symbolic and emotional power.
And rituals *are* powerful. Rituals move mountains. But they are *only* powerful insofar as human beings assent to them. Humans who understand the symbolism, draw strength from it, and then pour their own emotional energy back into it. Magnifying and allowing themselves to be transformed.
In some ways, love is a private affair. Allison and Thomas could have chosen somewhere secluded. They could have found an abandoned temple under the stars and, with only those stars and each other as witness, dedicated their love and their lives to each other.
Instead they chose to have a wedding. A wedding isn’t private. A wedding has human witnesses. The witnesses are not an audience, they are participants.
Thomas and Allison invited you here, each of you, because you are important to them. This wedding has strength and meaning only to the extent that you understand what is happening here, and lend your body and mind to this ritual’s power.
Love is private. But human lives are interwoven. Allison and Thomas are two beautiful threads in a tapestry that has no meaning without the rest of you.
I’d like each of you to take a moment to reflect upon Thomas and Allison. Take a deep breath, and think of who Thomas and Allison are – as individuals, and as a couple, as you have known them in the past.
** One Deep Breath **
In the modern world, we’re often distrustful of ritual and the roles it prescribes. Once upon a time, there were only two specific marriage roles, one for men, one for women. It left no room for people that didn’t fit those prescriptions. And as the world changed, those roles made less and less sense.
Today, the world changes quickly. We can’t rely on tradition to tell us what to do.
But there’s still a value in *having* roles. Human brains are creative and they are powerful. But in times of trouble, when you’re stressed, buckling under the strain, you may not have the wherewithal to find a solution. By taking a clearly defined role, and making it a fundamental part of who you are, you make it so that you don’t need to find the solution. You know, without hesitation, what to do.
Thomas and Allison have spent three years learning to build a life together. They have thought carefully about the people they want to become together and the roles they will undertake. They know the trials they are likely to face and the day to day moments where specialization and division of labor just make life… *so* much easier.
In their case, as it turns out, the roles are fairly traditional. Allison is the breadwinning husband for most intents and purposes, and Thomas is the domestic housewife. Those are the roles that happen to work for them.
So, they stand here, ready to make a commitment that’s permanent and enduring. They make that commitment to each other, and to the people that they love and respect.
I’d like each of you to reflect upon the people Thomas and Allison are in this moment. Poised on a cliff – metaphorically. Ready to fly away together – literally. Their plane leaves tomorrow. They stand, fully comprehending the trials and the joys ahead, full of energy and excitement. Full of love, for each other and for you.
Take two deep breaths, and think of these things together as the air passes through your bodies.
** Two Deep Breaths **
Allison and Thomas, do you enter this agreement, and vow to undertake this endeavor freely, with your whole hearts, and without reservations?
“I do”
Do you vow to support each other and to be supported, to make of two parts one completed whole?
“I do”
Do you vow that you will together create and maintain your shared picture of the world, sharing your discoveries and insights, hiding nothing that the other would wish to know?
“I do” [by this point their voices are straining with desperate longing]
Do you vow to cherish each other, to wield your love to form a more perfect union?
“I do”
Do you vow to always raise each other up, to be a help in times of want and a boon in times of plenty?
“I do”
Do you vow to jointly create a harmonious family for your children to enter?
“I do”
Do you vow to keep and care for each other, and to love each other, on this day and every day hereafter?
[With each “I do”, Thomas and Allison looked at each other with more and more desperate longing and it was all they could do not to rush into each other’s arms. They were the most adorable couple I’ve seen get married. I’m not sure if that’s because I had a much closer vantage point than I have in the past and got to see subtleties in their facial expressions I had heretofore missed, or if they really were just the most adorable bride and groom ever]
Thomas, you have words you wish to say to Allison, and to the people around you.
** Thomas’s Vows **
[Unfortunately I don’t recall them and they weren’t written down]
Allison, you have words you wish to say to Thomas, and to the people who came to support you.
** Allison’s Vows **
You have rings, physical symbols that embody your love for one another and the promises you make today. Give them to one another, and hold each of them in your hand. Feel their heft and admire their beauty.
Thomas, Allison, and all who have come to witness their wedding. I’d like you to reflect upon the people that Thomas and Allison are going to become. The adventures they’re going to share together. The temple ruins they’ll visit. The lessons they’ll learn and the lessons they will teach to their children. The love they bring to each other on this day and every day hereafter.
In a moment we will take three deep breaths together. With each breath you take, fill your body with the summer air around you, and fill your heart with your love and your mind with the understanding of the future to come. Wi
th each breath you release, share that love and understanding and life with one another.
** Three Deep Breaths **
Place your rings upon each other’s finger.
** Rings are placed **
Thomas and Allison, by the symbolic and emotional power you and this community have chosen to invest in me; by the power this community has invested in you, and that you have invested in each other.
By the power of every young couple in love who have ever walked upon this pale blue dot; by the power of every husband and wife who ever stayed together until death did them part; by the power of the very first couple who thought to take their love and dedication and swear it before their tribe — and by the power of every couple who ever will:
** Dramatic Pause **
[I confess a certain sadism, at making them wait a few moments longer]
Thomas and Allison, I now pronounce you husband and wife.